[dropcap]Kicked to the Curb[/dropcap]
I’ve felt devastated before. I felt alone and crushed. I honestly couldn’t breathe. Sharing these feelings might have been hard for me two years ago during these occurrences, but today I feel strong enough to write about them.
Around two years ago in March my father went to prison. My dad was my best friend, so it was hard for me to wake up and not say good morning to him or have him around to help me train and keep pushing me to do better. Besides the fact that he was inaccessible to me, he wasn’t there to protect me anymore, to tell me when I was working myself too hard, and worse of all, he wasn’t there to protect me from the one person closet to me.
In the month of April, my mother decided she’d rather have her new boyfriend in her life, even if it meant not having me in her life anymore. The life that I knew to be home. Instead of having two of the world’s greatest parents, and two best friends, I’m left with only used-to-bes and should-have-beens. At that time in my life I hated myself. I hated myself for not being good enough for my mother and not taking advantage of the life that I had.
These months of the year are the hardest for me every year. March is the month I lost my father, April is the month I lost my mother, and May is the month I spent my birthday by myself. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and hating the world I’ve become angry and defensive. That may not be the best way to deal with the problem, but for me that’s the only way I know how.
Instead of crying about it, I get mad, and live life not caring as much. I’m not so much reckless, but determined to not let myself care so that way I don’t have to feel the truth. So, that’s way I don’t feel devastated.
From The Beat: We are really sorry to hear about your situation. It is tough to love people who mean a lot to you. We have hope that you can fix these relationships regardless of the circumstances. We wish you the best and hope that you can find the love that everyone deserves.
I just smoked a lid, or a gram and a half, of black tar heroine. I was holding 72 O.P.s, oxyycotton pills, which I was supposed to be selling for ten bucks a pill. Some weird absent feeling came over me and I started taking them all, about a handful. I needed a Dr. Pepper to get the rest down.
Some time later, about 30 minutes, I started shaking. I had felt this before I was overdosing. I ran into my friend’s living room. His mom calls an ambulance and they come and strap me down and start feeding me charcoal.
After, everything just skipped. I was in the E.R. and they said I flat lined for three minutes. They said I was safe now and my chest tingled where they used a defibrillator. My lips were black with charcoal. I had survived death so now all I have to do is survive life.
From The Beat: This is a very unfortunate story. Do you still continue to take drugs? We hope you are OK and don’t experience long term problems from the overdose.
Reality sucks that’s probably why we dream, why our bodies need sleep so we can escape. Escape this earth at least for a little while. Every night we get to go away.
Sleep is the only time I feel safe. The only time I can leave this cold place, this reality that feels like needles sticking into my flesh, this hell that is so hot it makes my hair sweat. It makes my mind melt.
In my sleep I hear music I see faces, songs, smiles and life hugging me tight never letting me go. Telling me to be strong. Telling me to never give up hope. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes I wish I never woke up at all, because reality sucks.
From The Beat: This is some very poetic writing. Thank you for sharing this. We know things can be hard, but we hope you can find that writing helps get things off of your chest. We hope that one day you can be in control of your own reality.
[dropcap]I Try To Do Right[/dropcap]
Being locked up this time is really stressing me out so much, and I feel like all my goals and dreams are far out the window. So trying to keep myself together is really hard, but life has really knocked me down this time, and it’s hard to get back up from the hit! So life throws so many curves at you and it’s hard to take on so many obstacles at once.
Sometimes I’m not bright, but I try to do what’s right. Everything I do is just the opposite and ends up going the wrong way. So how can I retrace my steps and find myself? How can I say I’m happy with myself when I’m not? The world I’m in right now is like I’m opening a door that never ends. I’m trying to get back on track and get my life straight.
From The Beat: Thank you for being honest. We know things can be hard to get through, but we know you can do it with the right amount of determination. The process may be long, but it will be worth it all in the end.