This piece is a result of The Beat Within, a weekly program in juvenile justice centers. The kNOw’s John Esquivel conducts this program in Fresno to give a voice to incarcerated youth.[dropcap]T[/dropcap]hey call me by a nickname. I’m not like all you other folks. I never had a daddy and my mom was a fein at the age of 42. My mom sadly cracked due to that drug she smoked. She left me in this world forced to believe hell is a place called home. After my mom past I was so depressed I smoke weed until it clouded up my head.
I made mistakes throughout my life but I guess you could say I saw the light. I asked God to come into my life. He helps me when things don’t go right. He’s my light in the night. Not my mother, my father, no one knows about his love because no one else bothers. No I’m not perfect I smoke every now and then but God forgives those who admit to their sins.
He took my mother’s life and didn’t think twice. I cursed at the Lord and asked him “Why? Why me and my family.” I’ve witnessed my mom getting high in the kitchen. I’d yell at her to stop but she’d never listen. That image of her using the flame on the stove will never get old. I promised myself I’ll be different but now I find myself heading down that same road.[pullquote_right]I’d yell at her to stop but she’d never listen.”[/pullquote_right]
I’ve smoked so much my life goes by in slow motion but not slow enough for me to grasp it. Yelling out to the Lord asking him why my life is so wretched. I fell to my knees and begged “Please” I said “Please Lord come into my life forgive me for my sins because I know they aren’t right, this life that I’m living putting my live in danger almost every night.”
I was so confused I didn’t know what to do. I flipped through my bible, which didn’t take long. I reads those words and they replayed in my head all night long. “Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you,” and with those simple lines it clicked in my mind. I got down on my knees one last time, “God come into my heart I invite you in, forgive me for all my sins I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to lie but why God why did she have to die.”