Tuesday, I Beat Myself Up Today

I beat myself up today. I blamed myself for every little bad thing that happened to me, or to anyone else. Knowing entirely that none of it was directly my fault, I blamed myself anyway. I took everyone’s pain, including my own, and didn’t let go. If anything, more than anything, I wanted to hold on to it. I want it to scar me. I want it to torture and abuse me. I don’t want anyone else to feel the things I feel. I want to cry now but I can’t. I’ll have to cry later. I know I’m not supposed to cry or anything like that, but really…who’s going to police me? Who is going to care and comfort me when I cry? I simply argue no one.

I beat myself up today. I made the effort to look inside and see all that was and still is wrong. I’ve concluded that I don’t deserve to be like anyone else. I have to be here and deal with me, no time for anyone else. Do I even deserve to be the person I am? I think that so far I’ve wasted what has been given to me and took it for granted. I’ve wasted almost everything. My time. My patience. My pride–I’ve wasted it all.

I beat myself up today, as I do nearly everyday. I beat myself up, so I am hurt. I am in pain. I am bloody and bruised and torn apart. I beat myself up today–you just don’t see it.

The kNOw Youth Media
The kNOw works to support and equip young people with the journalism and advocacy skills they need to tell their stories and the stories of their communities.

In 2006, over 25 youth began participating in weekly after-school writing workshops where they congregated in the hallway of a two-story building in West Fresno and learned the essentials of creating media and telling their stories. The group evolved over the next five years and is now proudly recognized as The kNOw Youth Media.

Through our program, we create opportunities for our youth participants, who in turn create long-term positive change in their communities. Our approach weaves youth development and youth media innovation to produce our biannual youth publication, multimedia projects, and community forums.

The kNOw began as a project of New America Media, which was the country’s first and largest national collaboration and advocate of 2000 ethnic news organizations. In 2018 The kNOw became a project of Youth Leadership Institute.

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