I beat myself up today. I blamed myself for every little bad thing that happened to me, or to anyone else. Knowing entirely that none of it was directly my fault, I blamed myself anyway. I took everyone’s pain, including my own, and didn’t let go. If anything, more than anything, I wanted to hold on to it. I want it to scar me. I want it to torture and abuse me. I don’t want anyone else to feel the things I feel. I want to cry now but I can’t. I’ll have to cry later. I know I’m not supposed to cry or anything like that, but really…who’s going to police me? Who is going to care and comfort me when I cry? I simply argue no one.
I beat myself up today. I made the effort to look inside and see all that was and still is wrong. I’ve concluded that I don’t deserve to be like anyone else. I have to be here and deal with me, no time for anyone else. Do I even deserve to be the person I am? I think that so far I’ve wasted what has been given to me and took it for granted. I’ve wasted almost everything. My time. My patience. My pride–I’ve wasted it all.
I beat myself up today, as I do nearly everyday. I beat myself up, so I am hurt. I am in pain. I am bloody and bruised and torn apart. I beat myself up today–you just don’t see it.